Maturity = Loneliness?

I went to college last week. Met my HOD and went to the beach. It was so peaceful!
I was suprised to see that I wasnt bored at all, though i was alone there, without any company. I ended up recollecting memories as I walked through the same old streets.

Its so odd, that time I had so many friends I could count on. In fact, I used to hang out with different groups, and was always torn between them. The contrast now is so striking. Some of my friends are in Bangalore, the rest doing their higher studies.
World now is so different. Definition of "Friends" has itself changed! I have many friends in office too, in fact people envy me for having so many friends. I stay with my college friends, and I know a couple of friends in this city who are from college. None of them are people I can depend upon. None who have the spirit and enthusiasm as my people back at skal. Each one has set ideas about life and de Everyone is either already committed or looking out for a companion. Those committed prefer each other's company all the time, and in due course I only have to adjust to accomodate them and their love interests into all activities. Ufff!!
Generally such things are felt by people who are not in a relationship. But I realised today that is not true. Even being in one does not stop me from missing my friends. I still would love to do those things I did last year and even in college.
But I guess its more about accepting that my friends are moving ahead in life. Eventually we all will be settled and will place our families above friends. They have just taken the step, and I am just angry that someone else is going to be above me. I am not important, or equally important anymore! Noone will miss me!! Noone will care about me!!! Noone, none of those friends whom I have spent such great times with!!!!
I dont care about the whole world missing me. I care about my friends not caring about me. I love to be wanted. I want to be missed.
Guess I always felt this way, maybe everyone does. It's just that it is difficult to admit.

I dont miss anyone in particular.
I dont miss home so much.
I dont miss childhood.
I miss college!

Sleeping beside the Radio

I was coming back from this shop today evening. It was the usual dusty street outside my house. Ok, so I stay off this dusty street which is first of all filled with potholes and mud, and then there are people walking around, buses plying to and fro, cars and motorcyles speeding within the space left, the remaining road taken up by people selling fruits on carts . I was hurrying through the road so that I could leave that dust cloud and go back home. As I was walking past, I heard a faint radio being played at the steps of a closed shop. I turned to see, and saw this little girl sleeping peacefully next to an emergency lamp which seemed to have an in-built radio. She did look like from a poor family, but was well dressed and had her hair tightly braided. I suppose the kid's parent would have made her sleep and gone back to work somewhere nearby.
She looked so peaceful, i felt like moving my hand over her head.

Now I do not have even traces of attachment towards kids. If they are cute and smart, I am happy to see the bounce around their parents. I can go say a "heylo" to them in an artificially sweet voice just to please the kid's parent, but otherwise I do not like their company. And I was shocked as to why I felt so touched by that sleeping girl. Somehow looking at her, I forgot how dusty the road was, how people around me were yelling and bustling around. I did not hear the horn of buses, screeching brakes of motorcycles, I just felt like smiling.


:)

Yaadein

Nagme hain, shikwe hain
Kisse hain, baatein hain
Baatein bhool jaati hain
Yaadein yaad aati hain
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain
Yaadein, yaadein, yaadein

Bandhan ho to chhode
Darpan ho to tode
Hum sab hain mushkil mein
Yeh dil hai is dil mein
Yaadein, yaadein, o yaadein

Nagme hain, shikwe hain
Kisse hain, baatein hain
Baatein bhool jaati hain
Yaadein yaad aati hain
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati
Yeh yaadein, haan yeh yaadein, yaadein

Duniya mein hum saare
Yaadon ke hai maare
Kuch kushiyaan, thode gham
Yeh humse, inse hum
Yaadein, o meethi meethi yaadein
Khatti meethi yaadein

Nagme hain, shikwe hain
Kisse hain, baatein hain
Baatein bhool jaati hain
Yaadein yaad aati hain
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain
Yaadein, yaadein, oh yaadein

-from the movie Yaadien

Almost a year from "home"

A couple of days more and it will be a year since i left 'home'. Yes, i did visit my college and hostel after that, but dint dare to go to my floor. I was scared it might erase the memory i have of it back when we used to occupy that floor.



Well, I dont think i have changed much. I still talk like a grad student, as I was told by my Mgr.

I do dress up more in salwars these days than jeans and t-shirt or tracks. But its still the trademark kurtas that are my favorite.



Overall i do have a huge social circle, lots of friends in office itself and a few outside because of college. I have not at all kept in touch with old friends. Somehow I just cant talk to them openly over the phone. It is so much better to just sit in someone s room and chat face to face.

And then there is a set of friends whom i had to stop calling to teach myself to move on with life. For how long will i keep calling them and cribbing to them.



I still get teased here too!! but yes, it is much easier to control than in college, or maybe i have just become shameless and not bothered.



It feels like i am at the shore, and people around me keep moving like waves. They come they go. Some return too, but with feeble effect. Everyone has an ambition , a dream towards which they are moving.
Where is mine?
Was it ever there?
Why am I still at the shore?

E mail from phone

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